As the New Year approaches I wanted to share this, along with my interpretation of what a Dark Night of the Soul consists of. I wanted to look deeply into just how hard life’s tests can be. But also, why I think it’s set up this way.
After all, 2016 is a “9” Universal Year for everyone. Meaning, we all closed the door on something or someone pretty meaningful this last year. We also ended a 9 Year Cycle. Granted, our Personal Year Numbers are more prevalent, or perhaps better said, more personally relevant. Yet, the ending the “9” Year brings was always the backdrop for whatever personal was happening in your life.
For me, the last three years have felt pretty miserable. I’ve lost a lot, in nearly every part of my life. My daughter passed away unexpectedly three years ago this month. My oldest son and I lost our very close connection thanks to a woman who needed that connection gone. She is gone now, but the connection hasn’t been reestablished, and may never be… at least not in the same way, although I pray for more.
Everyone who knows me knows just how much those two children meant to me, and yet, I had to release both of them within the same year, and I wonder, “How is that fair”? I can’t say it is. What I can say is that it is.
At the end of 2015 my husband of 29 years said he wanted a divorce. Now, this wasn’t the first time he had toyed with the idea. But after the loss of my two eldest, I knew it would be the last. So, in January of this year our divorce was final.
This resulted in a need for me to once again support myself entirely, as a new house, and the subsequent new mortgage, were now all mine. Not to mention the light bill, the car payment, etc… Having not supported myself entirely for the last 18 years (since our youngest was born) this created an immediate and urgent need, and yes, fear… inside of me.
With all of these endings, and the loss of my marriage, my home, my financial security, along with my two oldest children, I sincerely wondered if I had done something terribly wrong. If I were living wrong. If I was on the wrong side of the higher powers. I had far more questions than I had answers.
Yet I realize when combined, this was my hardest and scariest Dark Night of the Soul call. It ended up I bought a house somehow (still not sure how I qualified). I moved in earlier this year, along with my son. Still, even after having managed that I still had no idea of how I would support us. But I have… or perhaps “they” have. The money always shows up.
Today I’m in the process of opening an entirely different business, one I will go into more detail about on this blog in the coming months. Some of you will have interest, others will not. But this new business idea sort of fell in my lap. I realized early on it will support us comfortably too, which is what fate and destiny have sort of ordained I now do.
I also realize how lucky I am that my youngest is still with me, still motivating my heart to keep on beating. Too, I’m so blessed that I have such a strong belief in that whatever happens needed to happen… regardless of how much heartbreak you go through to get to the other side of it.
In the end, I’ve had to rediscover who I am, outside of wife, mother, and part-time psychic/medium. I had to once again breathe life into that terribly independent side of myself. The side of me that got put on the back-burner while I tended to the life I was living at the time.
What I found is that I really, really like having my own place. One that is all mine. I like painting, weeding, shoveling, caulking, and doing what is needed to round off all the rough corners by myself too.
Naturally, if I could have my children back I’d give this all back. Maybe then that’s precisely why I can’t have them. Maybe the Universe had a bigger plan for me than I would have undertaken otherwise.
Maybe I was being freed up for something… perhaps something I planned to do during this life’s sojourn to this planet. I don’t know. What I do know is that most ties and encumbrances that have existed in my life for over 38 years are now completely gone. Even the new business I’m initiating will not require a lot of scheduled maintenance once up and running.
Perhaps then, this was my destiny, although I must have been drunk as heck when I signed up for it (lol).
Being a Virgo with a Capricorn moon (meaning I’m super organized and can plan something to death) taking a leap into the unknown was entirely unlike me. Sure, I’d been broke before. BUT… I always had a job that would cover my expenses. This time, I did not have that luxury. Yet as I said, it has worked out somehow.
Who knows, perhaps in taking this leap into the unknown, without any nets, is precisely what I needed to prove, if only to myself, that all the things I believe in are real. To actually have proven to me that we really aren’t ever alone in this life, in all of its pain and glory.
To also witness that if the need arises, provided we follow what we know we must do, the way really will present itself.
All I know is that even though my heart has been broken severely, many times, over the last few years, it’s still beating. AND… I still know how to love, how to forgive, how to believe, and most importantly of all, how to trust those I’ve always trusted to have my back (they aren’t mortal, by the way).
I fully expect a new life to unfold before me during the coming “1” Universal Year. I’m incredibly anxious to see where I’m headed… perhaps even being shown why I came here in the first place. That would be a just reward I think. Still I’m hopeful… or delusional… either way, I’m still breathing I guess.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is so you can also know that even if life has punched you in the gut a few times this past year, you are not alone. And I believe strongly, if you keep striving to do the best you know how to do, a way will be shone. As an added bonus, your life will likely become far more authentically who you are as a result of walking blindly through the night.
Dark Nights of the Soul are hard… almost unimaginable until you get through it. Yet, keep walking… your path will find you. That’s the only thing I’m entirely sure of anymore.
God Bless. My Hope is that you too have a Prosperous, Magical, and Love-Filled 2017.